Considering Pathological Demand Avoidance
March 3rd is the monthly progress review day for my 2026 goals, and it's just around the corner! I kicked-off this year's goal setting with a bunch of questions to reflect upon:
- How can I be myself without pushing people away?
- Am I not intrinsically motivated? Are my aspirations beyond my grasp?
- Do I actually like doing anything? Or am I just coping with social isolation?
Looking at the list again, I've framed them as motivational issues but I think actually these are based in fear and anxiety. I was reminded of Pathological Demand Avoidance aka PDA. This is sometimes called Persistent Demand for Automony to make the term feel less clinically judgmental while using the same acronym. I think both framings apply to me, so I'll just use the term PDA from here on out.
In any case, the traits described by this article What Is Pathological Demand Avoidance? on Psychology Today seem to fit me rather well (excerpt below):
Key PDA Traits
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Resistance and avoidance of the ordinary demands of life. This resistance relates even to ordinary life demands, like making/attending appointments, washing hands, and getting dressed. Demands are avoided not just because they are unpleasant or have adverse outcomes, but simply because they are demands. The avoidance is commonly motivated by an inability to tolerate uncertainty, feelings of threats to their autonomy, or high anxiety.
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The use of social strategies as a means to avoid, such as distraction, giving excuses, refusal, threats, or entering into role play.
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Appearing sociable on the surface, but struggling to understand aspects of social interactions. For example, verbal ability might be very sophisticated, and difficulties in social communication and understanding might be less obvious initially, leading to an atypical presentation of autism.
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Experiencing excessive mood swings and impulsivity, such as a loss of control, going into fight/flight mode, or becoming very quiet/withdrawn.
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Presenting with “obsessive” behavior, commonly geared toward other people. In this PDA trait, people most likely have developed intense interests in topics that are often social in nature and, therefore, seen as atypical.
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Seeming comfortable in role play and pretending, sometimes to an extreme extent. This can be a key feature for some individuals, but it’s not always present. For some, role playing may become extreme, such as living as an animal for a prolonged period.
I expend a lot of energy managing these traits, and it is exhausting. However, I hadn't considered that there was underlying anxiety from chronic childhood stress that may be keeping me from acting, as I associate action with being punished in some way that I didn't understand as a kid. At this point in my life this reaction is as automatic as any strong bad experience would discourage a repeat.
In this regard, it is a pathological response, so I'm comfortable to acknowledge that it's something that needs treatment to improve my life while retaining full control over my lived experience. After all, I am the expert in my own lived experience, and this must be taken into account.
Riffing off of that, I workshopped some possibilities that might be behind my avoidant behavior:
- Is it simple laziness? - No, this is more complicated. It's related to starting tasks. After starting I am quite industrious, which isn't lazy behavior.
- Do I just dislike uncertainty? - Well, yes, but this is also a universal dislike with different people having different levels of avoidance behavior. In my case, once I'm aware that uncertainty is in the mix, I have effective mitigations for overcoming it. This is actually pretty fun.
- Do I need partners? - This is a current puzzle. For years I assumed I needed a "tribe" of like-minded people to be a catalyst, and I've had enough life experience to know what having a good partner is like. But it's never been something that I made happen. It's always been an accident. Also, presently not having any partners that want to do the same things I have in mind makes this difficult to know.
- Am I shying away from judgement? - This is also a puzzle. I wouldn't think that this is an issue, as I don't accept judgement from other people, even implied judgement. I'm also aware that the judgement is not always meanly intentioned (e.g. how Asian families show "caring" is often very misinterpreted by US-raised Asians such as myself until they are older). And judgement is sometimes meant as a corrective hint as to what the preferred behavior is, with the assumption that adhering to that creates social harmony that is assumed to be "for everyone" when it is instead just for the comfort of the person applying judgement.
- Is it a deficit in executive dysfunction or low discipline? - My own feeling is that I'm horribly inefficient and random in my production, and so I would give myself low marks. However, the reality is that I have moments of high discipline and functional efficiency exceeding normal performance expectations. This is attended with extremely high levels of commitment if I've given my word. So, this is also a puzzle.
This is not a bad start, but what I want to do is reduce these possibilities to the essence of a simple action that, while not a complete therapy in itself, does nudge me in the right direction.
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